Why Foster Care Matters

A few weeks ago, we handed over a four-month old baby filled with giggles and joy to the child’s biological family. We tried our best to say good-bye before we left our home and drove to the Department of Children Services office. When we arrived, the relatives were waiting outside and eagerly took the baby from my arms.

That baby was No. 4 for us. That was the third child where we had to say good-bye. Each time brings its own set of heartbreak. And each time we debate if we should plow ahead, or stop altogether and wash our hands of foster care.

However, foster care matters - and it matters that we do it. Here are seven reasons to help me remember why.

Our children playing during tummy time

1. It matters that my husband and I are involved with foster care because we personally feel called to do it. In James 1:27, Christians are urged to care for the orphans and widows. B and I take this call personally. Foster care is our mission field.
2. It matters because we can give children a glimpse of a stable life. Both of us witnessed children in not so stellar home-life situations when we were coaching and teaching, respectively. We knew we could do better. We strive to make our home a safe and secure place for each baby that comes into our lives. I immediately look for clues as to a child’s feeding schedule and work to create a routine from there. A bedtime routine is established, as well as a morning routine, within the first few days. These routines help young children feel safe because they know what to expect next. Their lives are more uncertain than ours, so giving them a sense of stability helps them grow physically and emotionally.
3. It matters because we give children a glimpse of a loving marriage. Most children in foster care will never see a healthy marriage in their family. We have normal stress in our life managing our work, household, and parenting responsibilities. Those stresses can lead to disagreements or arguments. However, we love and respect each other and we display that in front of our children. Even if these children are only with us for a season, we want them to see what a healthy marriage looks like.
4. It matters because we give children a glimpse of a healthy lifestyle. I am all about cookies and boxed macaroni and cheese dinners, but those types of meals don’t satisfy for long, and they are not very healthy. I am no health guru, but I do strive to prepare a protein, starch, vegetable and fruit for dinner each night. We aim to eat a home cooked meal more than we eat at a restaurant or a fast food place.  We live on a working farm, so exercise means going and feeding the chickens, walking along the edges of fields checking for gaps in the fence, and raking bedding in the barns for the animals. Sometimes exercise means going to a park on a sunny day or taking a hike along the river. Having a healthy lifestyle in our home means limiting the amount of time the television or electronics are turned on. It matters because the homes where these children come from don’t always have the education, time, or money to live a healthy lifestyle. We teach what we can while we can.
5. It matters because there is more laughter in our home than tears. Don’t get me wrong, we have our problems and we definitely have our sad days. But for the most part, we have a very happy household. So many children coming into foster care are coming out of scary and sad situations. It’s important we provide a home that is filled with more happy than sad.
6. It matters because we give each child an education. Did you know there are government educational standards for children as young as birth? It sounds crazy, but we are teaching children from day one. (I actually have a notebook with all the state standards printed off for children ages 0-48 months and another one for pre-schoolers.) Giving a child an education, in our household, means reading books to them. We talk about numbers, sounds, letters, colors, shapes, sizes, etc. With babies, I sing to them, I read to them, and I talk to them. When a newborn comes into my house, I take them around the home and tell them what each room is and where s/he will be. Before we go anywhere, I tell them where we are going and what they will be doing. This sounds crazy, but I believe it helps calm babies down, and it helps develop their language skills.  Children like to know what to expect. 
7. It matters because we love each child as our own. When a child comes into our home, they join our family. They have a seat at the table. They have a bed in a room. They join in on our fun, our chores, and our daily activities. We bring them to church with us, clothe and feed them just as we do with our own. There is no difference. Separating from your family is traumatic enough. We want our children to feel included and we do our best to make sure they know they are loved and cared for.

Visiting a children's museum for some fun

I wrote these seven reminders of why Foster Care matters to my family to remind me to keep on doing what I was called to do. It is very hard when you lose a member of your family, but it matters. Even though they are gone from my home, the legacy each child leaves with us - and hopefully us with them - lasts eternally. That matters.

TAG!

I taught G how to play tag today. I don’t think she understands the concept of being chased, but she enjoys doing the chasing. I gleefully tapped her on the back and said, “Tag! You’re it!” She laughed and turned around and chased after me. She doesn’t walk yet, so she was running on her knees. (She uses her knees as feet. It works for her. I’m looking forward to when she uses her feet for running, but I know she’ll get there someday.)  I quickly made my way from the living room into her bedroom, and her little knees shuffled on the carpeted floor behind me. The pitter pat of her knees against the floor was matched by the sound of Winnie the Pooh being dragged by his ear. In her other hand, she firmly held a baby doll by its neck.  Her love for her favorite dolls is intense. As she rounded the corner, her face lit up as she saw me. Her mouth formed a wide grin and I could see her little teeth protruding from her gums. She squealed and motored even more quickly to me. She dropped her stuffed prisoners and held out her arms to be picked up. She tagged me. And I loved it. We hugged and giggled and wrinkled our noses against each other. I set her down on the floor and started the game all over again. 

When I was a 20-something, I remember feeling as if it was time for me to grow up. I tried it for a little while, but I wasn’t happy with that person. There had to be balance. I’ve often told people ‘I was made to be a mom.’ Afternoons used to be spent planning, grading papers, dreaming, making phone calls, and listening to NPR All Things Considered. While NPR still plays on the radio on my kitchen window sill, my afternoons are now spent skipping, jumping, rolling over, giggling, pulling wagons, teaching how to give gentle pets to the cat, and cuddles - lots of cuddles. I think I’ve found my balance.

#honorallmoms

I've been thinking a lot about Mother's Day this year.  I've been a little anxious about it - feeling somewhat undeserving of such an honor. But you know what? Who cares!  I'm celebrating because I was made to be a mom.

I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a mom. As a girl, I had this Raggedy Ann that went with me everywhere on the little 15-acre spot where I grew up. I bathed this poor homemade cloth doll in the creek, and tucked her in a little homemade doll bed at night. I used to put her on the swing and push her back and forth, and I read little story books to her, too.

When I was older, I was a camp counselor during the summers. I quickly realized that this was training for what I really wanted to be someday. Later, as a middle school teacher, I felt I was preparing myself for motherhood. In fact, I purposefully quit my job as a newspaper reporter and went back to school to get a graduate degree in education just so I would have a career that was more suited for children.

I was made to be a mom.

However, I did not become a mother as quickly as I had hoped. You see, God had plans different from mine.  When I met my now-husband, we both talked about how we wanted children. We also talked about how adoption was something we had always assumed would be a part of our lives. With a few years of unsuccessful trying, we had some decisions in front of us. We visited doctors, went through tests, and talked about the finances of fertility treatments. But none of it seemed right.  We prayed throughout a year for direction and finally decided in October of 2014 to adopt a child from foster care.  I prayed EVERY SINGLE DAY for that baby. I assumed s/he had been born and I was just waiting to meet him or her.

Exactly nine months later from the time we started praying, a baby girl was born in the summer of 2015. A week later, she came to live with us.  God made me to be a mom.  God prepared my heart to be her mom....for now.

And, I love it. I love being a mom - even though I'm a foster mom, and not a legal mom, or a mom from naturally bearing a child.

We're a week away from Mother's Day.  It's a grand holiday, but a hard one for so many people.  I've been there, and in some ways, I'm still there. My friend Sarah wrote a fantastic article about how we can honor all moms. Go read her her blog. http://allamericanmom.net/honorallmoms/

So many women were made to be moms - and are great moms even though their children don't share their genes.  I often think about the Bible verse found in Galations 4. Verse 27 tells barren women to rejoice because "more are the children of the desolate women..."

My bunkies at camp, my students when I was a school teacher, my pupils in Sunday School, the young women I've mentored all prepared me to be a mom. And now I'm a mom to a little 17-pound fire cracker. Honor all the moms in your life this week, friends.

A Small Addition

Dear friends,

It’s been awhile since I’ve updated this little window into my life.  So, without further ado: there may be a little person in our home within the month!

Brandon and I are becoming foster parents.  We prayed about this for over a year. We looked into different avenues of adopting, but felt like God was leading us toward foster to adopt. Through foster care, our first priority will be to take care of the child with the intention of reunification with the birth family. However, if that’s not a solution, Brandon and I would have the opportunity to adopt the child in our care.

So, I need your help.  First of all, please pray. Pray that God prepares our hearts. This will be a trying time for everyone involved, and we’ll certainly need God to help us out. Also pray for Little Bit. There’s a reason s/he is no longer with their family. That has to be so hard. Pray God protects them and is there with them through all of this.

Second, be prepared to be a light. This child will be around many of you through church and community activities. This child’s family may even visit the church. Be a light! We won’t be able to give details about the child’s family, or the reason s/he is in our care, but we would love for you to love this child (and their family).  As much as Brandon and I want a child of our own, it’s more important for a child to belong in the family of God. Share God’s love with these people. He has a purpose for bringing them into our lives.

Third, help us out on what we need.  Now that the home study is complete, I’m beginning to panic on what I actually need!  I have baby shampoo, and a pac-n-play. Some people have given me clothes and a few toys for infants. That’s it, folks. We have no idea if we will have a five-year-old, or an infant, or a child anywhere in-between. We have no idea if the child will be a girl or a boy. Some of you have already been generous. Keep it comin.’ When we know, I’ll send out a message (possibly through smoke signals) so you’ll know the age and gender of Little Bit. Feel free to pour out your love, (and old clothes and toys, advice on the best pacifier, diaper, formula, etc.) and I will take it all in with gratefulness.

Fourth, help us be great parents. Many of you had the opportunity to prepare for nine months for your babies. Brandon and I can only do so much with so little information.  I know God has called us to this ministry, but I am so scared of messing it all up. So pray for us, hug us, ask us how we’re doing, text us, show up unannounced (Sarah B. Kelly), bring casseroles, offer to babysit, invite us to play dates, teach me your ways o wise friends of mine. Be there. Be genuine. Be God’s light to us, because just like Little Bit will need to see God’s light, I’m pretty certain there will be dark moments where we’ll need to see His love, too.

Thank you for walking this journey with us.  We are humbled by your friendship.